Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I have two kinds of followers
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no