Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I want to meet the individual who made this
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”