Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.