*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.