Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
britain’s three elite institutions
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS