Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
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How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”