*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You鈥檙e part of a cactus and I鈥檓 a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 馃檪
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA鈥檚 Security guard insisting otherwise.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*