Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*