Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Poetry is my passion
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Breaking news:
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc