@tarashoe: haha remember when you were a kid you'd hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can't do that as an adult. someone's stupid kid is in there
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@NotthatAdamWest: It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Would you ever want an open marriage? me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they'd have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
@chrisdelia: Me: *Asks question on snapchat* Them: *Answers question on snapchat* Me: "Wait, what did I ask again?"
@HatfieldAnne: Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.