@johnfreiler: haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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@notalogin: Guy: What do you do? Me: I tell jokes on Twitter G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself? Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes
@Swishergirl24: No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I'd just call my boss.
@PaperWash: Man's guide for a selfie: 1) Squint your eyes like your cool 2) Look off into the distance 3) Put your phone down 4) Don't take the selfie
@djdarrellripley: Him: I just had sex with that woman! Me: She’s 60. Him: I know. Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.