haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say