haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery