What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
A bold strategy
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Got him!
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.