My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent