I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
San Francisco has too many rules
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.