“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
#titanic
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.