“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?