I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You Might Also Like
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.