Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.