When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Sorry. Not sorry
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.