Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’m giving up for Lent.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.