So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
You Might Also Like
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one