Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
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Taliband
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
🙅🏻
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Why is no one talking about this?!
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.