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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope