*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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started wrapping my pills in cheese
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”