My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.