Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”