Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
You Might Also Like
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.