@AGreaterMonster: Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn't mean I'm getting old, right? Means I'm turning into a werewolf! Right?
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@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@NoTheOtherJohn: DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
@Cpin42: Have you found them? "Not yet, sir.” THEY'RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE? "They wear tiny masks, sir.”
@meganamram: I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food