Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
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Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok