You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.