[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”