I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
You Might Also Like
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
lmfao come on
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My patience has stretch marks.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son