well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.