Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Money is the root of all wealth
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”