Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
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Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Bike for sale
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear