In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*