Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
You Might Also Like
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?