Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Well, shit
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up