Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
This 4th of July, please remember…
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
181.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Inside you there are two wolves
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?