@LoveNLunchmeat: Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they're easily impressed by semicolons.
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@stephenjmolloy: Chameleon wife: "Does my bum look big in this dress?" Chameleon husband: "What dress? Where are you?"
@online_shawn: Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
@QwertyJones3: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19 -Prime Minister