Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
This makes total sense…
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Merica.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked