Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
hackers play passwordle
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]