Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?