Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Match dot com, but for socks.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.