[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
May have had one breakfast too many
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.