Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You Might Also Like
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
kids play hide and seek like
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck