Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
new record!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
buying dead houseplants to save time
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”