Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on