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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m listening
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse