Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.