@MensHumor: Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
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@venkaiceprinces: Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles
@dubstep4dads: [sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
@PaulyPeligroso: Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It's like, dude, he's the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.