@MensHumor: Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
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@HEYWATCHMETWEET: Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there's a horse there, the queen is watching.
@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"] Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell. Tim: Our budget is $4 million
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
@heroofthehour: whenever I see "likes her own status" on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.